


Planting Trees

by neveroffanon



Series: jumping the gun [3]
Category: Good Girls (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, are the kids alright?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-05-13 06:47:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19245985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveroffanon/pseuds/neveroffanon
Summary: Taking place a year and change after Rio and Beth have their little showdown in front of Turner, the three oldest kids start wondering what the actual f*** is going on with their mothers.





	1. Chapter 1

She would swear it on anything— Jesus, Krishna, Wreck It Ralph—whoever, she was sure that she’d heard Dad say it.  She was literally one thousand percent sure.  And it had her freaked out.  Sadie and Kenny didn’t believe her though.  She could tell by the way they hadn’t responded yet.  She’d hit send on the message almost—she swiped to check the time stamp—six minutes ago.  

Big Money:  _come on you guys!! i heard my dad say it. he said that our moms were working for some crime boss. they’re in a gang. and the gang leader CAME TO OUR HOUSE and asked my dad to work for him too._

KB:  _Sara… are you still on the drugs?? Can you really imagine my mom working for a gang? All she does is bake and work at the dealership and go grocery shopping._

Suits All Day:  _She hasn’t been on “the drugs” (wth Kenny?) for a year. If Sara says she heard it, then she did._

KB:  _stfu_

Suits All Day _: Wow seriously. Do you remember how much money you owe me Kenneth?_

KB:  _I SAID I’d pay you back!_

Suits All Day: _Well where’s my money then? It’s been a hot minute son. You know my mom gave me that money for ME to use._

KB: _Which one?  Auntie Annie or Nancy?_

Big Money:  _can we get back to the important things here? pls?_

Suits All Day: _Well… But what’d your mom say? Bc that’s kinda more important than anything else._

Big Money:  _they shut the door and istg they have like spiderman level hearing or something because anytime i even get up to go the bathroom my mom is in the hallway to check on me.  so it’s not like i can get out of bed and go listen…_

KB:  _I’m going to say it again…  Our moms are NOT in a gang. Full offense, but they’re just. not. that. dope._

Suits All Day: _Then how’d Uncle Dean get shot then? And on the same night Auntie Beth had you guys go stay with your grandma. Kinda suspicious Kenneth._

KB: _ffs don’t call me that! Just cause you’re my cousin doesn’t mean you can call me by my full name. Even mom doesn’t do that._

Sara stared down at the screen and sighed.  They were going to be at it for another few minutes, blowing up the group chat, completely in their own zone until she came back to put some sense into them.  She unrolled herself from the burrito of blankets she’d wrapped herself up in and took a gulp of the cool air outside her covers.  Her face was still hot, and she scooted up on the bed until she could press her cheek against the wall.  Her eyes burned, but she bit her lip and tried to think it through.

There had been the FBI agent, the same who’d come to dinner, and to the house to take Dad away, and to church.  Mom had never said what had happened, but she remembered how angry Dad had been after the surgery.  Harry had told her.  Dad had slept on the couch almost until she’d gotten out the hospital.  He didn’t know why, but then one night, Mom had yelled and woken him up.  After that, they’d been weird, but Dad had slept in bed again.  Then there was Mom losing her mind about moving the fidget spinners and makeup with the other girls at school.  Looking back, Dad had been more chill than Mom.  Sara squeezed her eyes shut against the hot tears that wanted to overflow because there was one more point that added up to her mother being in a gang.  Mom and Dad worked minimum wage jobs—lots of them.  Even so they’d barely been able to afford phones for themselves, and then suddenly they could pay for a kidney.  Mom was down to one job.  Dad, too.

She looked down at the phone.

Suits All Day: _Sara??? Did you fall asleep??? Come on tomorrow’s Saturday, don’t fall asleep yet!!!_

Big Money: _no. i’m not asleep. just thinking about the fact that our moms joined a gang to pay for my kidney._

KB: _No they didn’t._

Suits All Day: _Shut up Kenneth.  Sara let’s FaceTime. Get your headphones._

Big Money: _no. they’ll hear me._

Suits All Day: _Not if they’re arguing they won’t. I’m calling in one minute, so you better have your headphones in._

KB: _Wait!  What about me?_

Suits All Day: _You can FaceTime with us after you pay me my 20 bucks Kenneth._  

Sadie’s face appeared on her screen a moment later, and Sara rifled around on her nightstand to find her headphones.  Once they were in, she pressed _accept_.  

“So, like, what do you want to do?” Sadie was huddled in his blankets too, face starting to go red with the warmth.  “Even if— you heard me say if, right— our moms are in a gang, what are we gonna do?  Have an intervention?  Turn them into the police?”

Sara hauled her covers over her head, tugged on her pillow, dropping the phone to the mattress as she moved.  Sadie’s voice rose in her ear, “Could you cause some more static for me?  My ears are loving it right now.”

“Don’t be a baby.  I’m just trying to make sure my voice doesn’t echo,” Sara replied and then picked up the phone again.  Sadie’s face looked back at her, unimpressed.  

“Look.  I heard what I heard.  But, I think that if my mom, and your mom, and Auntie Beth are in a gang, then it has to be for a reason.  Our moms aren’t bad people—,” Sadie interrupted. 

“Uhh… my mom isn’t exactly an angel dude.  You do remember what I told you about her and Dad and Nancy right?”

Sara considered that for a second, cringing.  “Well, yeah.  Ok.  But they’re not like people out of those stories you see on the news,” Sara replied.  “They’re our mom’s.  They chaperone field trips and work at Dandy Donuts.  So maybe they’re not really in the gang, you know, maybe they just got like a loan or something?”  Sara’s voice trailed off.  She didn’t really believe what she was saying.  From the look Sadie was giving her, neither did he.

“I hate to break it to you, but our moms are like the definition of doing too much.  If they were in a gang, they’d be _in_ a gang.  So again… not to be a jerk, but what do you expect us to do about it?  We’re kind of kids, Sara.  We’re going to 9th grade next year, but that’s still six months from now.”

Sara huffed a sigh.  “Why are you so chill about this?”  

“Maybe because my mom is doing better now than she has my entire life?  She’s not struggling to pay rent or buy food.  We have money to pay for stuff.  I gave Kenny twenty dollars the other day so he could have enough to buy GTA.  I did.  Because mom gave me a hundred dollars as an allowance.”  Sadie lowered her voice to a whisper before going on, “And you have a new kidney and you’re not going to die… which is kind of a big deal.”

Sara tossed back her covers and tightened an arm around her pillow.  The tears burned again and she set the phone down to press her hands against her eyes.

“I just don’t want my Dad to go to jail again,” Sara murmured.

“So you want to talk to them is what you’re saying?”  Sadie asked, sighing.  “Dude why are we on FaceTime if all I can see if your ceiling?”

“Why are you so annoying?” Sara rolled back reluctantly, shifting the pillow out of the way.  Sadie frowned at her as she tilted the phone screen back toward her face.  

“Don’t cry Sara.  Come on.  You wanna know how many times my mom has gotten in trouble with the police?  Guess,” Sadie said, voice firm.  

“I don’t know,” the words burned Sara’s throat as she spoke.  

“More than I can count on one hand.  My dad has bailed her out of trouble a lot dude.  So has Auntie Beth.  So if somehow despite all that, me and my mom are still living in the same place and I haven’t been put in foster care or my Dad somehow getting custody, then you definitely don’t have anything to worry about.”

“That’s not even what I’m worried about!” Sara cried and then froze.  She’d spoken too loud.  Mom would be opening the door any second.  

The seconds ticked past, Sadie’s breath hissing in her ear.  When no footsteps sounded on the other side of the door, her mother’s voice didn’t call her name, when no hand came to rest on her forehead, Sara relaxed.  Then the tears started.  She sniffed and grabbed a handful of the covers to scrub her eyes with. 

“Then what is it?” Sadie asked.  Sara glanced at his face, frowning and worried.  The tears came faster and Sara replied, hiccuping.

“My dad already went to jail once.  What if he has to go again?  What if my mom goes too?  What’ll happen to me and Harry?  What if they never get out?”  Her chest hurt and Sara tried to drag in a breath through the tears.  It got stuck and she hiccupped again. 

“I don’t want my mom to go to jail,” Sara cried the words and buried her face in the pillow.  She felt the phone slide out of her hand and land somewhere on the sheets.  Sadie sighed in her ear.  

“Hello darkness my old friend,” he sing-singed the words.  “Okay.  It’s super late so we’re going to talk about this again tomorrow, but a couple of things.  Just because some gang leader is offering your dad a job doesn’t mean he’s going to take it.  Also, your dad is the best.  Literally.  If he went to jail, it’s because someone put him there not because he did anything wrong.  And finally... dude... have you ever heard of a metaphor?”

“I can’t tell if you think they’re in a gang or if you don’t,” Sara replied, thinking over what Sadie had just said.  It was possible.  Both her parents tried to keep their money issues on the down low.  Maybe the boss was mean or worked Mom super hard.

“I think we need more evidence before we decide.  I’m trying to keep my mind open to possibilities,” Sadie replied.

Sara nodded, then realized the phone was still face down on the sheets.  She picked it up and brought it back to her face.  Sadie raised an eyebrow at her.  

“You know, usually you’re the one who’s laying down the logic.”

Sara snorted, a little piqued.  He wasn’t wrong.  “We all have off days ok.”

“Yeah.  Keep telling yourself that.  Anyway.  I’m going to bed.  We’ll start our operation tomorrow.”

“Operation?”  Sara asked, lost.  

“Operation Are Our Parents Actually That Dope.”

“Being a criminal isn’t dope,” Sara replied, feeling the echo of her mother’s anger as she said the words. 

Sadie laughed.  “I’m not saying I actually want my mom to be in a gang.  But it would kinda make sense of some stuff.  Besides you know that’s the name that’ll get Kenny to go along with it.”

Sara nodded.  “That... is not untrue,” she paused, “Thanks Sadie.”

“I didn’t actually do anything, but I’ll take it.  And now I’m going to bed.  Gnight,” Sadie opened his mouth in a huge yawn, and Sara yawned in turn. 

“Ugh.  I hate you,” Sara said, fighting to close her mouth against another yawn. 

“Same same,” Sadie replied, and they grinned at each other.  Sara reached a finger for the _end_  button and pressed it, still smiling.  

She reached for the charger on her nightstand and plugged in her phone and dropped the headphones beside it, thinking.  They’d figure it out.  If it was a metaphor or if it were real.  They’d find out and then they’d decide what to do.  If it was true, Sara would handle it.  Better than before.  Somehow.


	2. Chapter 2

“So what do you got?” Sara asked.  

“We’re gonna get in trouble,” Kenny’s voice broke on the words, dropping and soaring randomly.  He coughed, as Sara blinked at him.  

“Not if you go faster.  So give me the report,” Sara wiggled her fingers at him, beckoning him to hurry.  They were tucked away, hidden, between the bleachers, Sara was already in her soccer uniform, stinking yellow practice jersey making her nose wrinkle.  

“Okay okay,” Kenny sighed, a hand digging into his bag.  “Here it is!”  He waved some papers at her.  “So Dad kept saying that Mom was in love with this Bounce House guy and that’s why Mom wanted to get a divorce.”

“What does a bounce house have to do with your mom going to jail Kenny?” Sara asked impatiently.  She peeked out and around the edge of the risers, but didn’t see anyone on the field yet.  

“Just listen!  A while ago my dad and mom were arguing about him and then my dad said that the guy had a tattoo on his neck, like a just like a _gangster_.  This is the same guy that hangs out with my mom in the park.  He’s even come over to the house before, and like helped me with my homework and come to swim practice and stuff.”

“He’s helped you with your homework?” Sara asked flatly.  “A gangster with a tattoo on his neck has time to help you with your homework?  How does that even make sense Kenny?”

Kenny frowned, face reddening.  “I’m really bad at Algebra, okay.  And then this guy was there and he helped me.  Then after that Mom got me a tutor...”

Sara shook her head.  “Okay.  Sorry.  I wasn’t like making fun of you or anything.  But I don’t see why this matters?”

“Because literally ever since my mom got out of jail, Dad has been grumbling about the _bounce house_ guy like every day.  And this morning, I found _this_ on my dad’s desk.”  Kenny shoved the papers into her hands, and they both squinted down at the papers.  

_Rio’s lawyer suggested we split the profits from the dealership like this to make sure our separation doesn’t raise any red flags.  Read it, sign it, and get it back to me._

Scanning the pages quickly, none of it making any sense, Sara shrugged.  “So this is your proof that your mom is in a gang.  Your dad saying this Rio guy has a tattoo, like only gangsters do apparently, and a note from your mom to your dad talking about them getting divorced.”

Kenny frowned at her, ears going red.  “This is more proof,” he used air quotes, “than what you and Sadie found.  And!  I’m pretty sure that my _mom being in jail for three months_  is proof too.  Why are we even still doing this?  We already have the answer.”  He snatched the papers out of her hands and stuffed them to the bottom of his bag.  

Sara nibbled on her lip for a moment, watching him.  He wasn’t wrong.  “But she got out.  All the charges were dropped.  And that FBI guy got reprimanded or something.  Remember, we saw the apology letter.”  Sara moved to bump him with her shoulder.  Kenny looked up at her, and Sara felt her stomach turn over.  He looked like he was going to cry.  

“We only started doing this because you were afraid of your mom going to prison.  And then it ended up that it was mine.  So we found the proof Sara!”  

“Or our moms aren’t actually in a gang,” Sara replied.  

Kenny straightened, glaring at her, cheeks going splotchy red.  He dashed a hand across his eyes.  “So my mom is still hanging around Rio because why Sara?  Rio really _is_  her boyfriend or something and he gave her the money for your surgery and now the FBI thinks our moms are in a gang, but they aren’t.  And it doesn’t even matter anyway!  Because my mom doesn’t love my dad anymore and it’s all because of _you_...” he trailed off, sniffling.

Sara stared at him for a long moment.  Distantly, she could hear the noise of the coach yelling for the team to start setting up the cones for drills, but it was as though her feet were frozen to the ground.  Kenny looked back at her; his whole face reddened.  Then, like a spell breaking, he looked down at his feet.  “I… sorry,” he mumbled.

“Whatever,” Sara replied.  Her stomach flip-flopped again, and tightened.  She swallowed against it, tried to ignore the sour taste in the back of her mouth.  Kenny bit his lip and stepped closer, raising a hand.  Sara jerked back, and Kenny let his hand fall.  

“I’m going to practice now,” she hauled in a breath, fighting against the tightness in her chest, “I’m going to need a better apology than that when we see each other this weekend.”

“Wait, what’s happening this weekend?”

Sara turned away, shaking her head.  “My mom’s birthday, remember?  We’re all going to your lakehouse?"

“Oh yeah,” Kenny’s voice died away into a sigh.  “I’ll see you Saturday.  Bye Sara.”

Keeping her back to him, Sara knelt to tighten the laces of her cleats.  “Yeah, bye.”  His footsteps pattered away, and Sara jerked the laces tight enough to bite.  The pinch seemed to wake her, and Sara brought her fingers hurriedly to loosen the knots.  

She didn’t know the answer to Kenny’s question, but stopping the search felt like giving up, or like admitting that something she hadn’t wanted to be true, really was.  Because everything pointed to it.  All the bills getting paid so fast, the weird overnight girl’s trips Mom was taking with Auntie Beth and Auntie Annie so often, Auntie Beth going to jail only to get out scot free.  There was too much happening that was weird.  But part of her, the part that wanted to grab Harry and climb them into their parents’ bed and snuggle there until Dad said _So, pancakes?_ and Mom started laughing and Harry leaped up to bounce on the bed, didn’t want it to be true.  

If it was true, then everything was her fault.  She rested her chin on her knee, feeling the prick of tears start at the corners of her eyes.

“ _Hill!_ ”

Sara jerked at the voice of her coach, and jumped to her feet.  First practice, then home and homework and then she’d think about what to do.  

* * *

Sara jammed her headphones in her ears, trying to drown out the sound of her parents laughing at Harry trying to tell knock knock jokes.  It grated on her nerves, the way they smiled as though nothing was wrong.  It was as though they didn’t even care that it was obvious this trip wasn’t only about Mom’s birthday.  She hadn’t said it out loud to Kenny, but it was as much a birthday party as it was a _Yay, You’re Not in Jail Forever_ celebration. 

All the bits and pieces of letters and papers and whispered cell phone conversations all led to one thing.  One thing that Sara hated to admit.  That her mom and her friends had gotten into a bunch of shady stuff— for her.   Sara pressed her headphones in deeper and turned up the music, pressed her head against the window and squeezed her eyes shut.  They were almost there, and she’d have to face Sadie and Kenny soon.  And she didn’t have a clue what to say. 

A sharp finger dug into her ribs, tickling, and Sara opened her eyes to glare, biting her lip against a smile.  It was her mother, eyebrow raised in a question, and Sara pulled out her headphones.

“Girl, we’ve been talking to you.  Maybe take out the ear buds for a little while?”

Sara shrugged, biting harder into her lip and tugged the headphones to lie around her neck.  She murmured, “I just wanted to be quiet for a while.  Is that a crime?”

A snort and set of rolled eyes were all the response she got from her mother.  She turned around and spoke facing the front of the car.  “Alright.  We’ll all do quiet time until we get to the house.  That good for you?”

Sara murmured a _yep_ and dropped her eyes to her lap again.  Her dad’s voice rose slightly above the noise of the tires.

“Ruby... It’s gonna be twenty minutes til we get there.  You really think Lil Money can last that long?”

“She’s been in a funk since soccer practice this week.  Won’t tell me why, so I figure the least we can do is give the girl a little space to get her thoughts right.”

Sara tucked her arms across her chest, feeling as though everything within her was about to explode.  Twenty minutes wasn’t nearly long enough.  Twenty years wouldn’t even come close.  She sat, mind churning, feeling her face start to heat, and nearly jumped out of her skin when Harry launched himself into her, crowing.

“Sara! We’re here!”

“Yay,” Sara tried to smile at him, but even trying to smile hurt her face and she stopped.  Harry didn’t notice and climbed over her to open the car door.  He tumbled out, almost face-planting in the dirt, and Sara reached a hand to pull him upright.  He grinned up at her and ran over to the van parked on the other side of the driveway. 

The door opened and Sara could hear Emma and Jane and Kenny start screeching their hellos.  Sara watched her brother climb up into the van and shook her head. 

“You going to be alright baby girl?” Sara looked up into her father’s face and remembered the FBI agent coming to the house again.  Remembered how angry she’d been that they’d been telling lies about how to be a good person.  She couldn’t even think about lying to them about how she felt, even if they were fine with lying to her.

This was different; she knew it.  But the longer she hesitated, the more her father frowned, and the less likely it was they’d believe she was alright.

Sadie saved her.

“Hi Auntie Ruby,” Sadie appeared at her side, pressing his head into her shoulder and pushing until Sara slid over.

“Why are you pushing me?” Sara grumbled, scooting until she was pressed against Harry’s car seat. 

“I wanted to come pay my respects to the woman of the hour,” Sadie replied and grinned. 

“Sadie Marks, where did you learn to talk like that?”  Her mom grinned and turned around in her seat.  “Because we _all_  know your mother has no idea what the phrase ‘pay your respects’ even means.”

Sadie laughed, bright and cheerful enough that Sara wanted to groan. 

“Oh I don’t know.  She respects food, the First 48 time slot on tv—.”

“Right right.  So what you’re saying is, that your mom has her priorities straight, and it’s the rest of us who need to get with it,” her mother replied and shook her head.  She unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed out.  Sadie followed, a hand around Sara’s arm tugging her out too. 

“Basically?” he responded, still smiling.  “Anyway, can I borrow Sara?”

Her dad came around the front of the car, smiling too.  “You guys gonna get set up?”

Sadie nodded, “Yeah, mom and I were early so I got to pick a room for me and Sara and Kenny, and then I got rooms picked for the littles.”  

Her dad shook his head sighing.  “You put me to shame!  You got this camping stuff down!  Alright, go on, don’t get in the lake without telling anybody though, yeah?”

“Okay!”  Sadie gave her parents one last grin and then pulled them both off to a stumbling run toward the back of the house.  When they were at the gravelly shore, Sara tugged her arm away and stopped, dropping onto the stones to sit. 

“So, what was that?” Sara asked.  “You were way too happy just now.”

Sadie kicked a few stones with the edge of his sneakers and then bent to pick some of the stones.  When he straightened, he had a few tucked into one hand and was bouncing another on his palm. 

“I saw your face.  You looked like you were about to spill.  And it’s my job to make sure you don’t say anything until we’re actually ready.  So, yeah, I may have been a little extra, but whatever.”  He tossed the stone across the water, and Sara watched it skip twice before sinking.

“I wanna try,” Sara said and stood, brushing off the dirt.  Sadie tossed a stone to her, and Sara clutched at it.

“If I get three skips, we gotta talk to our parents tonight.  Because I seriously don’t think I can keep this like on the down low anymore.  If they did this because of me—,” Sara felt herself trembling, heard her voice starting to quaver and stopped talking. 

“Six,” was all Sadie said in return, and Sara glared over at him.

“Six is too many,” Sara replied.

“Six is a lot, and talking to our parents is big.  Crazy big.  So go big or go home or whatever,” he raised an eyebrow at her and moved away a little, arms crossed.

“You’ve been talking to Kenny too much,” Sara grumbled and fiddled with the stone between her fingers.  Betting on how many times she could skip a rock over the lake was about as dumb as it could get, but something needed to happen to push them into talking, or she knew that she would explode.  Because all she could think about since Kenny had yelled at her, almost crying, like he never did now, was how perhaps it might have been better if she’d died.  Then there wouldn’t have been any FBI agents, and Dad would’ve been able to be a police officer like he wanted, and Mom could’ve stopped working so hard.  And Auntie Beth wouldn’t be getting a divorce or explain why she’d be in jail.  

She squeezed the rock in her fist and hauled in a deep breath.  Deep enough that it hurt, and she held it until she couldn’t anymore.  When it all had whistled out, Sara stepped up to the edge and flung the stone away.  She watched it, forehead ridged, eyes tight screwed, and counted. 

It leaped and fell.  Once, twice, three times; the high arc of it over the surface lessening every time.  It was going to sink, and she’d be stuck holding everything in, when all she wanted to do was go to them and ask them to tell her it wasn’t true.  She watched it, feeling her chest tighten, and then the rock rose and fell three more times.  From somewhere beside her, Sadie’s voice rose faintly.

“What the—?”

Sara stared at out the water, heart sinking like the stone.  She was going to confront them, and everything was going to fall apart.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things come to a head for Sara, and she makes a decision.

Sneaking out of bed, avoiding the creaking spots on the floor had been the easy part.  The chime of her phone as she’d unplugged had made Kenny roll over, but no one else in the house had heard a thing.  She’d crept down the stairs, phone squeezed in her hands, and out the back door, with no one doing so much as sneezing.  

Outside it was bright, early morning— still cold enough that she needed the hoodie she’d pulled over her pajamas.  It was beautiful, and quiet, and just what she’d wanted.  A little quiet time to come up with the best speech ever.  She and Sadie and Kenny had made the plans all through the night.

After dinner and cake and games, they were going to sit their mom’s down and do a show.  It was going to be an expose of every piece of evidence they’d found in three months.  All the weird trips and calls and letters— everything.  And at the end, they were going to get the truth.  Sara stuffed her hands into the hoodie’s pocket and stomped down the gravel driveway toward the lake.  

Sara could admit she was scared of getting it over with, but not knowing the truth, not knowing if everything that was wrong was really her fault was almost worse.  She sucked in a deep breath, rounding the driveway’s end and starting down the hill that led to the lake.  There was a good rock to sit on and work, and it was early enough that nobody would be waking up for hours.  

Sara tucked her chin down into the hoodie as she made the last few steps, trying to ignore the voice in her head that was screaming that everything was on her.  She managed to push it away so well, she didn’t notice until she was at the rock, that someone else was leaning on it.

Someone super tall, and dressed all in black, with a tattoo peeking out of the collar of his shirt.  Sara jerked to a stop and stared up at him, fingers clenched around her phone.  He looked at her for a moment and then smiled.  

“Miss Ruby is your mom, right?”

“Do I know you?” Sara heard herself reply, and then shut her mouth so hard she felt her teeth click against each other.   

She watched his face, ready to run back to the house, so tense her neck had started to hurt.  He smiled wider and stepped backward, folding his hands behind his back.  

“Can’t say you do,” he replied and then stood watching her.  

Sara stared at him.  He had a tattoo like Kenny had said Rio had.  He looked nothing like what she’d imagined gangsters to look like, except for the tattoo.  But having him here at the lake with everyone asleep in house was so beyond weird, she didn’t know if she should be afraid or angry.  

“But somehow you know my mom?” Sara asked, crossing her arms.  She tried to make herself look anything but scared and settled on looking him over from head to toe, unsmiling.    

“Yeah.  She used to work for me,” he began, and Sara dove in, cutting him off, the words _used to_  catching and burrowing into her chest.  

“Following former employees around is kind of stalking,” Sara raised her chin and started to turn around and leave, anger rolling over her in a wave.  

“Is that right?  When you go in, let your mom know I’m out here waiting like she asked.  Wouldn’t want her kid to call the cops on me.” 

Sara paused, one foot raised in the air, poised to slam into the gravel.  She let it down slowly, and stood with her back to him, feeling her hands trembling. She squeezed them into fists and tried to breathe.  The chill air burned her nose and Sara focused on the cold.  This was like debate club— the kid on the other side always tried to make her get all in her feelings.  Sara bit down on them, instead, and turned around.

“What would even happen if I did call the cops?  You probably have all the cops in the city taking bribes from you,” Sara dragged in ragged breath.  “Even my dad, right?”

She waited, as the wind picked up and blew ice picks through the fabric of her hoodie.  He gazed at her, the smile that had lingered on his face, dying away completely.  After a long moment, he shook his head.  

“Your dad don’t work for me.  Never did.  Smart dude though, running game the way he did.  Your mom and dad saved your life, and your mama and her friends probably saved more, working for me.”

“Saved more?” Sara asked.  “You don’t save people’s lives working for a gang.” 

He stepped up toward her and stopped a few steps out of arms’ reach.  He peered down at her, and smiled, slow, “How you know?  You in a gang?”

Sara glared up at him, feeling hot, and raised her phone as though she was about to make a call.

“I can either call the police because you’re trespassing on private property, or you can leave.  I don’t care if you used to know my mom, or if she used to work with you.  You can’t bother her any more.  So what’s it going to be?”  Sara asked, heart starting to pound.  The smile that had lingered, small, in the corner of his mouth widened, and he nodded.

“I’ll raise you one,” he replied, “you call your mama and her friends for me and tell ‘em I’m out here by the lake.”

Sara glared at him, “Or I could call the police.”

He shrugged.  “Or I could?” the words came out like he was asking her a question.  

Sara shook her head, “How is someone like you going to call the cops?”

He grinned and turned away from her slightly.  “Someone like me, huh?  And what’s that?”

“A criminal!” Sara huffed, feeling frustration sing along her skin.  She jerked up the sleeves of her hoodie to her elbows, fumbling with her phone.  

“How do you know I’m a criminal?  Maybe you are,” he asked, and faced her again, head tilted.  His smile was gone again, but his voice was teasing, mocking like the girls at school had been once.  

“That’s dumb.  My mom used to work for you?  When did she do that?  After her shift at the donut place?  Where she made, what?  Eight dollars an hour?  How’d she afford my surgery and my medicine, and how’d Kenny afford a tutor and swim lessons, and how’d Sadie get to stay with Auntie Annie and get his medicine then?  How’d my mom pay the bail for my dad to get out of jail?  How did Auntie Beth go to prison?  It’s obvious if you’re not a dumbass!”  Sara ran out of breath, voice raised so high she could feel her throat twinging with pain.  

She hauled in a breath and opened her mouth to rail on him more, but he looked away, over her head.  Sara turned and stumbled back a step.  

Her dad stood, mouth drawn into a tight line.  Sara watched, all the anger that had been pounding in her chest, burning her up on the inside, blown away in the chill wind.  

“Sara,” her dad spoke softly, not looking at her, “I’m gonna need you to go inside now.”  He came close and dropped a hand on her shoulder and grasped it tight for a moment before pushing her, tripping, up the hill toward the house.  He stepped beyond her, and Sara froze for a moment, listening to the crunch of his shoes on the gravel.  

“Go inside and do what?” the words tore out of her, after a long moment.  “Pretend like you and mom aren’t part of a gang?  Like you aren’t criminals?  Like this isn’t all my fault?”  She turned and ran to stand in front of him.  

“Everything is all my fault, isn’t it?  You going to jail, and the FBI, and Auntie Beth and Uncle Dean?  It’s all because of me!”  Sara stared up at him, stomach twisting, eyes burning.  

“What?  Sara what are you talking about?  I’m not _in a gang_ ,” her dad hissed the words, frowning down at her.  “Now get your butt inside.  I need to talk to him.”

“Fine,” Sara snapped and sped up the hill to the house, blinking furiously to keep the tears from falling.  It didn’t matter what Rio had said about saving people’s lives.  It was a lie.  He was a liar, just like mom and just like dad.  She flew into the house, hurtling through the front door, and to the room she was sharing with Sadie and Kenny.  She stared at them, still sleeping, and the thought of trying to sleep felt wrong enough that it hurt.  And if she was in bed then when Dad got back from meeting with his gang boss then he’d come straight in and want to talk.  Sara tossed her phone on her mattress and moved away from their beds and walked into the bathroom and pushed the door shut.  

Stripping off her clothes, she leaned over to turn on the water for the shower and climbed in and sank down to sit on the floor of the shower as soon as it was hot.  The water beat down on her shoulders, pouring over her head.  A wince of a thought crossed her mind at her hair getting wet, but it passed, pressed away by the reality, the truth.  

She’d known it already, but seeing Rio standing by the lake, seeing her dad walk up to him and not even pretend to act like he didn’t know why a gangster was visiting the lake the same weekend of mom’s birthday party tied everything off.  The first sob shook her then, and she curled her knees into her chest trying to hold it back.  The next and the next hiccupped out of her, tearing at her chest and her throat.  

Time passed, the water cooled and slowly the tears died away.  Sara sniffed and rubbed the heels of her hands into her eyes.  Then the door to the bathroom opened and her mother’s voice called to her. 

“Let’s get you out of the shower baby girl.”

“I’m not done,” Sara called back, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice.

“You are, kiddo.  That skin has got to be all wrinkles and crepe paper by now.  I got that big towel you always like to borrow off me, so get your butt out here and get dry.”

Sara stood, raised a hand to turn off the water and hesitated for a moment as the last drops plopped down from the shower head.  “Toss me the towel please.”  

A hand dangled the corner of the towel over the top of the shower door and Sara pulled it the rest of the way down and wrapped herself in it.  The steam clouded the air still, and she knew it wasn’t just the cold air outside the stall that was making her reluctant to climb out.  On the other side of the door was her mother.  And if she confirmed everything.  If what that Rio guy had said was true, then there was nothing she could do.  It was going to be her fault.  She may as well have just died, instead.  Her throat burned and Sara clutched the towel tight around herself, hunching against the wall.

“Covered up or not, I’m opening the door,” her mother’s voice came, closer than before.  

“Wait—.”

“Wait nothin,” and the door opened.  Her mother reached in and hustled her out of the shower until she stood on the little square of rug in front of the mirror.  It was too fogged to see each other’s reflections, still, which was probably better.  That way all she had to do was listen, and not see.

Behind her, her mother clicked her tongue.  “Girl, what did you do?  This is a mess.  You stand right there, and I’ll comb it out and plait it down, til we can get home and do it right.”

“Okay,” Sara shrugged and inched forward toward the sink to grab her comb.  She passed it back over her shoulder, and their fingers brushed as it went from her hand to her mother’s.  The scritch of the comb’s teeth against her scalp came in the next moment as her mother tucked it there to rest, and then her mother’s fingers were parting her hair into sections.

“Your dad and I aren’t perfect, Sara.  God knows we try to do the best we can, but we mess up,” her mother said after a few moments. Sara shrugged again, and leaned against the sink away from her.  Everything in her wanted to dart away, down to the lake, back home, be anywhere but standing there listening to her mother try to justify being a criminal.  

“Being an adult means thinking about your actions, reflecting on them, and making changes when you know you’ve done wrong.  Can you understand that?”  Her mother tugged the comb out of her hair and began to pick gently at the coiled knots she hadn’t been able to unravel with her fingers.  Sara breathed in a shaky breath, not really wanting to know but it felt like a compulsion.  

“Did Auntie Beth go to jail because you all killed somebody?”

The comb jerked to a stop, and Sara held herself still against the tug on her hair and spilled the rest of the words that had been building like a storm in her mind.  “Was it drugs?  Did you rob grocery stores and old people and steal cars?  Did you kidnap people?”  The words tumbled over themselves and she bit her tongue in her haste to spit out the last question.  “Was it my fault?”

Her mother dropped the comb onto the sink, spun her around, and pulled her into a hug.  “Listen to me, Sara Imani Hill.  The sins of your parents have nothing to do with you.  We’re grown.  We make choices, and we own up to them.  Don’t ever even _think_  that Auntie Beth going to jail or your dad or anything else has anything to do with you,” she squeezed her arms tight and Sara leaned into the hug.  

“But my surgery…” she began to ask, hesitant.  

“Not your problem baby girl.  Not your fault, either,” her mother replied softly.

“But if I hadn’t gotten sick, then none of this would’ve happened.”

“How do you know that?  You been talking to the big guy?  Did he tell you something he hasn’t been telling me?”  Her mother squeezed her again and pushed her to stand up straight.  Sara looked up at her, feeling the tears welling up again.  She dashed her hands against them, frustrated.  

“Beth and Annie and I, we did bad things, baby.  Nothing washes that away.  But there’s forgiveness to be had.  Your dad forgave me, and Beth and Annie and I, we forgave each other.  And now we have to be better, and stay that way.  Fault doesn’t have a place in this.  You might not understand that yet, but I want you to try.  Alright?”  

Sara nodded and dropped her head.  She could try, even though it still felt like her heart was breaking, even though it still felt like everything boiled down to her being the cause.  She swallowed against the tightness in her throat, pushed away the tears, and raised her head again.  

“So _he_  was here today, why?”

Her mother smiled a little, and turned her around to face the mirror again.  The fog covering it had dried and she could see her mother shake her head as she started detangling again.  “That so and so was here so I could go tell him to put his job offer where the sun don’t shine.  Your dad beat me to it though.”  

“So you really aren’t in a gang?” Sara asked, shifting on her feet a little.  She just needed to hear her mother say it, and then she could let it go.  

“I’m really not in a gang.”  Her mother looked into the mirror and met her eyes, eyebrows raised.  Sara watched her for a moment and then nodded.  She looked down and bit her lip.  It was good enough.  It would have to be good enough.  She was going to make it be enough, even if she and Sadie and Kenny had to keep up watching their mom’s until they were old and gray. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read my little foray into exploring Sara's mind. I hope you all enjoyed it, and of course, comments are always welcome :)

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a grip since I was 13/14 years old. Apologies if I'm not hip on the slang...


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